


Walls

by endoftheziam



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Amnesiac Finn, Basically, Basically just nudged right around canon, Eventual Poe Dameron/Finn, FN-2187 - Freeform, Finn deserved to be a Jedi so he's gonna be one now, Finn has PTSD (Star Wars), Finn x Poe - Freeform, Finnpoe - Freeform, FinnxPoe - Freeform, George Lucas - Freeform, Jedi, Jedi Finn, Jedi Finn (Star Wars), Jedi Leia Organa, Jedi Master Leia, Leia - Freeform, Leia is a Jedi master and if u disagree ur sexist, Luke - Freeform, M/M, Notebook AU, POV Poe Dameron, Past Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Poe - Freeform, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe x Finn - Freeform, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Rey - Freeform, Star Wars - Freeform, Star Wars: The Force Awaken, Star Wars: The Force Awakens - Freeform, Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker - Freeform, Storm Trooper, Stormpilot, TFA - Freeform, Temporary Amnesia, The Force Awakens, The Last Skywalker spoilers, The Lsat Jedi, finn - Freeform, imagine like--the notebook but it doesn't suck, imagine that it's like, john boyega ur doing amazing, poexfinn, post-theforceawakens, sequel trilogy, they're in love, tros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24544639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endoftheziam/pseuds/endoftheziam
Summary: After the battle with Kylo Ren on Starkiller Base, Finn's Storm Trooper conditioning is reactivated. He is once again a programmed and conditioned Storm Trooper, unable to remember anything from the past few days.General Leia Organa enlists Poe to read Finn's journals back to him, hoping that it will trigger the return of his memory and help her to locate the Sith presence that she senses in the galaxy.  But Poe is fighting his own feelings of lingering guilt as a leader of the Resistance, and trepidation at what he feels whenever he's near Finn.Can Poe open up enough to reach Finn?Will Poe be able to bring Finn back, and help the Resistance, before it's too late?Featuring strong parallels to a New Hope, quotes from the novels, some spoilers from the Rise of Skywalker later on, a good old fashioned fight at the the old Jedi Temple (later), Finn getting training in his Jedi abilities and a POV in later chapters, lots of long discussions about vulnerability and identity.in light of recent events, I want to remind you all that black lives matter and John Boyega is a hero. Don't lose momentum. Contact your representatives. Do what you can to help.May the Force be With You.
Relationships: Finnpoe, Poe Dameron & Finn, Poe Dameron/Finn, Stormpilot - Relationship
Comments: 12
Kudos: 59





	1. "FN-2187"

CHAPTER 1: FN-2187

**POE**

The first thing Poe ever noticed about Finn was his eyes.

Dark and knowing, full of depth and understanding.

They seemed at odds with his youthful face, the hard, square line of his jaw. The Storm Trooper’s uniform and the muscles that slid and flexed under his skin.

Finn’s eyes were older than the rest of him. Weary. They were what had made Poe trust him that day.

Finn had broken into his cell, and at first he’d thought this was it. Ren had finally decided he wasn’t worth keeping alive.

He’d sprung to his feet, ready to fight, wincing at the soreness in his limbs and the pounding in his head, byproducts of Ren’s torture.

He should have suspected a ruse. An illusion, planned so that he would lead Kylo Ren to the Resistance.

But when Finn had said that he would rescue him, he’d believed him.

Poe saw Finn, and he just _trusted._ And as he followed Finn out of the ship, crashing into Jakku’s sands, feeling the rush of sun and wind on his face, things he’d thought he’d never get to experience again, a new emotion took shape.

Terror.

Poe had spent his entire life keeping everyone at arm’s length. Ensuring that he would never be betrayed, never allow himself to be vulnerable. It was instinct, branded into him from his earliest days dodging the First Order, always watching over his shoulder. Friends turned to enemies, then back again. Poe had spent his entire life backed against a wall, never knowing whom to trust.

 _Treachery_ , Leia had told him, _is_ _the way of the Sith._

And maybe Poe didn’t believe in the Force and all its emphasis on Dark and Light, maybe he’d never be able to move rocks or see into the future, but he kept that lesson. Transformed it for his own means.

 _Treachery,_ Poe thought, _is the way of the desperate._

And only the desperate ever survived in a galaxy like this.

But Finn…The former Storm Trooper. The man who owed Poe his name, but whom Poe owed his freedom…

Finn had swept all that careful conditioning away with a single look.

Poe didn’t know what to do with someone he trusted that much.

But perhaps he would never need to know.

The face of the young man who looked at him through the bars of his jail cell held none of that kindness. The understanding and compassion had been replaced with a cold hardness, his eyes black pits of rage.

“I’m sure you don’t remember me.” Poe said. “But you saved me on Jakku, a few days ago. You’re wearing my jacket.”

“My name is FN-2187.” Finn said. “I’m a soldier in the First Order. Second Battalion, Infantry. My name is FN-2187—”

“That’s all we’ve been able to get out of him since Starkiller Base.” Leia said, as Finn continued to rattle off his information. “It seems the trauma reactivated his conditioning. We’re looking for a solution now, but—” she shrugged helplessly. “It’s hard to beat this kind of brainwashing. Hux trains these soldiers from early childhood, from birth sometimes.”

“—Infantry. My name is FN—”

“We know who you are, soldier.” Leia interrupted. “Do you know who I am?”

Finn frowned, his eyes sweeping over Leia’s face, her famous hair. “Leia Organa, head of the Resistance. Princess of the former Alderaan.”

“Do you know what I want from you?”

Finn’s eyes flashed. “The First Order will never reveal its secrets.”

“You were just a foot soldier, Finn. A pawn. And you renounced the First Order. You defected to our side. Rather bravely, I might add. Without you, the Resistance would have been destroyed.”

“I am FN 2187—"

Leia turned to Poe again. “We’re hoping that your relationship with him might—”

“Relationship?” Poe said quickly, wincing at the rise in his voice.

Leia’s eyes narrowed. “I saw the two of you, just before the assault on Starkiller Base. You—mean a great deal to him.”

Poe shifted away from Leia’s penetrating gaze. “Not really.”

“I just need you to talk to him. Remind him of who he is—who he really is.”

“Why do we need him? Our spies can gather just as much information.”

“There is still a disturbance in the Force. The Dark Side should be weakening, but it’s only getting stronger. We’re not sure who, or what, is responsible.”

“Kylo Ren—”

“Ben Solo,” Leia snapped. “Is not a Sith Lord. To be a Sith Lord is to give in completely to the Dark Side. And there is still so much conflict in him.”

“Then Snoke—”

Leia ran her hand across her eyes. “Neither of them have the power of a Sith Lord. They are not the source of what I’m feeling.” Leia massaged her chest. “Something else— _someone_ else, above even Snoke, must be pulling the strings.

“And you think Finn knows who they are?”

‘I think he has an idea. He may have seen something, overheard something. Something he doesn’t even know is important.” Leia placed a hand on Finn’s brow, and Poe watched as his entire body tensed, his knuckles going white around the bars. “He has Force sensitivity. At the very least, he should be trained.”

“Can’t you just take what you need? Like Kylo--like Ben--did with me?”

Leia shook her head. “He is too strong in the Force for that. I could get the information, but the toll it would take on his brain is not something he would survive.”

“So I have to get it out of him, or we’re doomed?”

Leia removed her hand from Finn’s brow, and he slumped against the bars. Sweat had broken out on his forehead. “Perhaps in a few days, the brainwashing will release its hold on him. There must have been some reason he left the First Order. With time and the right therapy, it will go away.”

“It’s not a stain,” Poe snapped. “That shit doesn’t just come out in the wash.”

Leia glared at him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” Poe lowered his gaze. “General.”

“I am your commanding officer. You will not disrespect me.”

“Yes, General.”

“Talk to him.’

“ _I_ —” Poe felt a blush rising to his cheeks. “I can’t do that.”

Leia handed him a stack of papers.

“June. Jakku.” Poe read aloud. “What is—”

“Finn’s journals.” Leia said. “From before Starkiller Base. Read them to him. Make him remember.”

“I’m not doing this, Leia. It’s not going to work. It’s a waste of time. Storm Trooper brainwashing won’t go away because of a diary entry.”

“You will try.” Leia said, her voice ringing with power. The voice of General Organa. The princess of Alderaan. The leader of a Resistance that had begun before she was even born.

Poe knew that it would be useless to argue.

Leia exited, the door closing with a _hiss_ behind her.

Poe glanced at Finn. He was sitting with his back against the cell’s pewter wall, his eyes closed, lashes dark against his cheeks. “Finn?”

“My name is FN-2817.” Finn said, without opening his eyes.

“I’m the one who named you,” Poe said quietly, his heart aching at the cold indifference in Finn’s voice. “I told you my name, and you said you didn’t have one. So I said I’d call you Finn.”

“FN-2187. Infantry. Second Battalion—”

“Yeah, I get it.” Poe said. “But if I don’t read this to you, Leia will kill me. And she’s probably one of the only people in this galaxy who can, so—” Poe snuck a glance at Finn out of the corner of his eye to see how the man would respond to his boastfulness, but Finn’s eyes were still closed, his expression blank. “Fine.” Poe said. “I’ll start with your recount of Jakku.”

Finn only grunted.

**JUNE. JAKKU**

_I thought Poe was dead._

 _I’d killed a member of the Resistance, and I wasn’t even technically a Storm Trooper any longer. I wasn’t even_ trying _._

_IIf any member of the First Order saw me, they’d have full permission to execute me. On sight._

_It would be an honor for them, just like it was meant to be an honor for me, to die rather than be turned from the cause I had pledged my life to. You served the First Order, or you died. There was no other alternative._

_I don’t remember much about who I was before Hux took me. I remember a woman with soft hands, and golden strands in her hair. I remember e clay, and how it used to make all of my hurts disappear. She’d press her hand to it, and say a soft word, and the cut was gone._

_I remember her hands being torn from me as I was taken._

_And—everything else is a haze. It’s hard to decipher it from the memories of the First Order, which were superimposed over the old ones. I was nothing else. I knew nothing else._

_I remember the honor of standing outside the command center for twenty-four hours straight, just to salute Supreme Leader Snoke as he went by. He nodded at me, and I nearly collapsed from the Force emanating from him. Cold, sinister, ancient malevolence._

_I remember opening fire whenever I was asked, without fail._

_Except for that day on Jakku._

_But what does it matter? What is one moment of conscience amid a life of darkness?_

_I don’t want to be FN-2187 anymore, but I’ve been him for most of my life. How am I supposed to be anyone else?_

_Am I the young boy, being torn from his mother’s arms? Am I the loyal Storm Trooper in need of reconditioning? Am I Finn, who rescued a pilot from the Resistance only to kill him in a crash landing?_

_I felt something when I thought Poe had died. The same thing that had awoken in me when FN-2918 had died, and smeared his bloodstained fingers across my visor._

_The thing inside me was fierce, powerful. It ripped apart the muscle memory, the attention to protocol. It made me seek out Poe, led me to the TIE fighter that got us away from the ship, away from Kylo Ren who, when he looked at me on Jakku, had seemed to sense what was roiling inside me._

_Whatever was inside me would not be silenced._

_And it hurt._

_But I’m not a hero. I didn’t leave out of some feverish devotion to the cause. I didn’t want to fight the First Order, to wage war as a member of a Resistance that I was still certain didn’t stand a chance. I had been inside Star Killer Base. There was nothing that could defeat such a weapon, such evil concentrated. The Resistance was a suicide mission._

_I didn’t want to betray the First Order, and I didn’t want to help the Resistance._

_I just wanted to get the Hell out of the way._

_That was who Finn was, in his first few moments. My rebirth was marked with grief and doubt and selfishness. I was only worried for myself._

_But the thing that awoke in me wouldn’t be silenced._

_I think that was what made me grab Rey’s hand, turn to help her even as the Troopers chased us, as the First Order rained down fire._

_I think it was what told me to take Poe’s jacket. It smelled a little bit like him—like blood and sweat and sardonic defiance, and it made me a little braver._

_Maybe Finn wasn’t a revolutionary, but Poe was. Heart in the dirt, fire in the sky, blaze of glory._

_And maybe it was his jacket that gave me the strength I needed to stay with Rey, even while she was screaming at me to run._

_There is something about Rey. When I met her, she looked so ordinary—tattered clothes, designed to deflect the heat and stave off the Sun. That hungry, haunted look in her eyes, all-too familiar on a place like Jakku. The smooth, scrabbling way she moved, as though she was always running over shifting sand…_

_Something in me_ recognized _something in Rey. We reached out toward each other—or maybe I just reached for her._

_That’s the only way I can explain it._

Poe looked up at Finn, who had started breathing shallowly, his eyes still closed. “I was okay, you know. Not even a scratch on me. I got thrown a few miles away from where you were, and I stole a communicator off some traders and managed to make contact with the Resistance. They picked me up in an hour. Then I was just here, sitting on my ass and wondering if you were okay. Or if Ren had gotten to BB-8. When we got the call out from Maz’s place, I didn’t dare to hope that I’d see you again. I thought that I’d gotten you killed, like I got everyone else—” he stopped, the numerous dead scrolling through his mind. Numbers. Ship designations. Ages. Family members who were waiting for news, who would receive a condolence letter and nothing else:

 _“_ We are sorry for your loss.” _It was my fault._ “We wish you the best recovery and healing.” _I don’t understand why I’m still alive._

Finn shifted, and his eyes opened. Poe caught his breath. They were that wide, knowing brown, the blank aggression gone. The emotion in them was enough to stop his heart in his chest, enough to make him lean forward, his fingers hesitantly tapping the bars. “Finn,” Poe whispered.

“Poe.” Finn reached up and brushed one of his hands against Poe’s. Poe held completely still, terrified of moving, of the feelings coursing through his veins. Finn traced the curve of Poe’s wrist, the sleeve of his white shirt, tattered and stained from rough washes and too many battles.

“Poe,” Finn whispered again, and this time, it seemed to resonate in Poe’s chest like a bell.

Poe tried to grasp Finn’s hand—

And Finn jerked himself away, back against the wall, his expression blank once more. “FN-2187. Infantry. Second Battalion. FN-2187…”

“FINN!” Poe shouted over him, trying to break through the brainwashing. They had been so close. _He_ had been so close. And just like that day in his cell, the walls he had built to prevent something like this, to prevent someone from ever knowing him this way, ever letting himself be so easily betrayed, had crumbled down without his noticing.

“Finn, _please—”_

There was a hiss, and Leia appeared. She looked from Poe’s anguished face to Finn, who was still uttering his serial number and battalion, a perfectly trained prisoner of war.

Leia waved a hand, and Finn slumped against the wall, unconscious. She squeezed Poe’s shoulder. “Leave him. You can start again in the morning.”

But Poe was shaking his head. “I can’t. General, _please.”_ His heart already felt as though it was cracking open, the steel casing crumbling into nothing.

And he knew what was inside. Something raw and red and horrifying. Something that wouldn’t let go of him, if it ever took hold of him again.

Something that kept clamoring to get out, every time Poe remembered the sight of Finn in his jacket, how they’d run to reach other in the hangar, the way Finn’s breath had felt against his neck.

“ _Keep it; it suits you.”_

“I can’t do it. Give me another assignment, please. I— _can’t do this.”_

Leia’s eyes were full of sympathy, and but her grip on his shoulder was one of iron.

“You must.” She said.


	2. The Millennium Falcon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 2 of interrogation, and Finn's journals aboard the Millennium Falcon
> 
> I'll be posting more frequently now, so stay tuned for lots of new content. It gets really fun!

**Part 2: The Millennium Falcon**

**POE**

When Poe entered Finn’s cell the next day, it was to find cereal dripping down the wall, and a medical droid taking Finn’s vitals while he struggled against the restraints.

“Hey! What do you need those for?”

“He tried to escape.” The medical droid said. “I’m under strict orders from General Organa to keep him restrained while he receives medical attention.”

“He’s in a cell! Where can he possibly go?”

The droid, of course, didn’t answer that. It merely completed its scan and exited Finn’s cell, letting the bars slide shut behind it.

Poe started forward.

“Don’t.”

Poe turned. Leia was standing in the doorway. She sighed at the betrayed expression on his face. “I knew you wouldn’t approve of the restraints.”

“Finn is not a prisoner. He’s—he’s—”

“A danger to this entire Resistance if he gets into contact with General Hux or the First Order.” Leia’s voice softened. “I won’t put everyone at risk for Finn’s comfort.”

Poe curled his lip. “He’s in his cell. He can’t hurt anyone.” He began to tap commands into the cell door. Finn writhed beneath the restraints, his fingers swollen. He didn’t say a word, just glared at the two of them, hate in his eyes.

“You’re restricting his blood flow. How is he supposed to heal from his injuries?”

Leia made no move to stop him. “He is a trained soldier.”

“I can handle myself.”

Poe crept into the cell. Finn backed against the wall as best as he could, the restraints secure around his arms and legs, his eyes still narrowed in hatred.

“Hey,” Poe said gently. “It’s me, buddy. Remember?”

“I am FN-2187.”

“I’m going to take away your restraints.” Poe said, still keeping that slow, calm voice. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t attack me.”

“First Order,” Finn muttered. “FN-2817.” He was panting, and Poe could see beads of sweat breaking out across his forehead.

“They probably did this to him all the time.” Poe shook his head. He looked over his shoulder for Leia. “What were you—”

Leia was gone.

Poe sighed. Carefully, keeping one hand on his blaster, he leaned down and tapped his personal code into Finn’s restraints. They fell away with a click.

Poe stayed there for a moment, his fingers brushing the inside of Finn’s wrist.

Finn looked up at him, and for a half-second, there was something familiar in his face.

But then it hardened.

Poe stepped back hastily, just as Finn lunged.

Suddenly, Finn let out a screech of pain, and he stopped and collapsed mid-lunge. He curled into a ball, whimpering. The wound on Finn’s back must have been severe enough that it restricted his mobility.

Poe rushed back to the door and locked it behind him. “I’ll send for a medical droid to fix you up.”

Finn took a deep breath, then gingerly reached over his shoulder. His fingers came away wet with blood. “Tore the scab.” He grunted.

“Ren got you pretty hard. But I heard you were doing alright for while back there.”

Finn looked up at him. “What?”

“Kylo Ren.” Poe said, somewhat encouraged by the fact that Finn had decided to have an actual conversation. “How did you think you got lightsaber wounds?”

“Jedi scum—”

“You attacked Kylo Ren.” Poe said. “Rey told me about it. You just fucking—went after him with a lightsaber.”

“A lightsaber?” Finn scoffed. “You’ll have to do better than that. At least make your lies convincing.”

Poe rolled his eyes, recognizing Finn’s trademark stubbornness. “Fine. What do _you_ think happened?”

“That girl attacked me. You brought me here to—”

“You’re a Force user. Leia says you’re rather strong in fact, especially for someone so untrained. Perhaps Skywalker can—”

“Shut UP!” Finn shouted, his eyes narrowing with rage at Luke’s name. “Why are you— _lying to me!_ Stop LYING. I am FN-2187. I’m a soldier. FN-2817. FN-…” He continued, muttering the words to himself again, laying down on his stomach gingerly, so as not to disturb the wounds in his back. The words seemed to soothe him; his body relaxed, and his breathing evened out.

The bandages on his back were wet with fresh blood.

Poe wanted to reach out to him, hold him. He must have triggered something, the direct challenge to whatever conditioning had reemerged in Finn’s mind. “Finn—”

“FN-2817.”

“I’m sorry.” Poe said. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Just send me back to the First Order.” Poe could have sworn that Finn’s lip trembled. “Or kill me. I don’t want to be—like this—this anymore.”

“I can’t do that.” 

“If I got out of this cell, I would take out as many of your Resistance as I could until you gunned me down. I’d take out Leia, and Skywalker, and you.” Finn said it all coldy, flatly, with no emotion in his voice. Mechanical and efficient, like the soldier he’d been trained to be. “Killing me is the best option.”

“I know.”

“So why are you here?”

Poe was silent for a long moment. “Because I have to try.” He said finally.

Finn just snorted.

“FN-2817.” Poe said softly.

Finn didn’t answer.

“It isn’t who you are.” Poe said. “A soldier, a set of numbers. A lackey programmed to follow orders. You can use the Force. You held your own against _Kylo Ren._ You are…extraordinary. You’re _strong,_ Finn.”

“Leave me alone.”

“Right. I’m sorry.” Poe said. “I’m just going to keep reading. Is that alright?”

“I want to be alone.”

“You will. I’ll just be—over here. Reading to myself. Guard duty.”

Poe opened up to where he’d left off the day before.

**JUNE. The Millennium Falcon.**

_I should have known that I can’t bullshit a bullshitter._

_Han Solo is definitely on to me._

_We’re heading to Maz’s station now, and I’m ashamed of what I’m about to do. But I don’t see a choice._

_Rey flies the ship like she’s born to it, even though she’s never left Jakku in her life._

_And Han and Chewie are legends. Giants. I heard their names spoken when I was training for the First Order, even though we weren’t supposed to talk about them. Reverently, in whispers in the barracks.._

_They’re that amazing._

_And next to that, I’m just a liability._

_They’re better off without me._

_The legends got one thing wrong, at least. The Falcon really is a beat up piece of junk. After we left the Rathtars to take care of the gangs, Rey, Han, and Chewie spent over an hour arguing about the best way to ensure the ship wasn’t being tracked._

_Doesn’t matter. Kylo Ren will find us._

_They might be legends, but so is he, in every possible way. Kylo Ren isn’t just what people say about him._

_He’s worse._

_I hated working around him. I’d feel him coming, like a cold wind. There would be this sickly feeling of turmoil and despair creeping over me, and there his ship was, coming out of the sky like some kind of overgrown bat._

_On Jakku, I remember the moment I turned. I was wiping the blood off my visor, trying to see. Kylo Ren turned toward me, and he froze me. Not with the Force—no sort of intent made me stand still. It was the terror._

_I recognized something in him. Something alien and alive._

_And the worst part is, I think that some of it’s in me._

_There’s something inside me. It squirms in my chest whenever I’m afraid, or when I’m near Rey, or whenever I see Kylo Ren. And suddenly, I’m aware of everything. The shifting sand. The stars in the galaxy. The beings all around me, the thud of every heart, the thread of life and death that exists between and through all living things._

_Is this the Force?_

_Because I’m so terrified of it, I don’t know if I can take it._

_I don’t know if I want to be this aware. If I am aware of all this, why do I keep getting pulled to the darkness? Why do I keep retreating in fear?_

_I need to run._

_I need to get far away from them before they realize what an awful coward I am._

_I run from fights. I don’t start them._

_Rey looks at me with so much wonder in her eyes. Promise, and longing. The kind of longing that says “Oh. I always thought I was alone. But here you are.”_

_But—she doesn’t know the truth about me._

_If she did, she’d be disgusted by me._

_And after what happened to Poe, it’s clear—_

_I am a member of the First Order, whether I want to be or not. I have been raised to deliver death._

_No sudden act of cowardice can change that._

Poe stopped reading. Finn was laying on his stomach, his head pillowed on his hands. “I wouldn’t have made it off that ship without you,” Poe said quietly. “Rey would be dead without you.”

Finn said nothing, but Poe thought that he saw a tear leak onto his hand.

“Leia wants to train you in the Force.” Poe said. “She doesn’t see great darkness in you. It wasn’t darkness that made you turn away from the First Order, that kept you from firing on those civilians on Jakku. It wasn’t darkness that made you face down Kylo Ren with the lightsaber that belonged to the greatest Jedi of all time.”

“FN-2187. Second Battalion infantry. First Order—” Finn’s voice was shaking, but he still managed to get the words out.

“It was _light._ ” Poe said, all the fears that had made him want to turn away nothing, nothing in the face of what he felt coursing through his veins. The same thing he’d felt that first day. “You have so much light in you, Finn. And I’ll be here every day until you see it.”


	3. TADOKAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shout out to @tearinmyarc for telling me the name of the planet bc my dumbass is too lazy to google. 
> 
> Day 3 of Poe reading to Finn. Featuring a nice healthy dose of angst and Leia being awesome. 
> 
> I was listening to 'Untouchable' by Taylor Swift and I think it fits
> 
> "untouchable, like a distant diamond sky  
> I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why..."
> 
> We're about to add in some ACTION so stay tuned

**Chapter 3: TAKODANA**

“ _—Rey could have died because of me.”_ Poe read, adjusting his position so that his legs were stretched out in front of him. He been reading from Finn’s account on Takodana for the past hour, but Finn still hadn’t said anything other than his rank and serial number.

Poe’s legs were aching, and when he rolled his shoulders, all of his joints popped. He arched his back and stretched. Finn lying on the floor of his cell, his still healing lightsaber wounds exposed as the medical droid fussed over him. Even though the gel and surgical technology should have healed the wounds by now, they had reopened the day before, when Finn had leapt at Poe.

“It will leave a scar.” The medical droid said, its mechanical limbs expertly removing the bandages, even as the eyes scanned Finn’s body for traces of infected tissue. “Any other stress before this wound is healed, and there will be permanent damage to his muscles and tendons.”

Droids weren’t supposed to exhibit concrete emotions, or give orders, but Poe could swear he detected a hint of reproach in the droid’s voice. “He risks loss of mobility, chronic pain, and other complications down the line.” The droid paused before adding. “Commander.”

Poe waved a hand. “Finish your work and leave.” The droid bent to Finn’s back again, the instrumental appendages attached to its hands careful and precise. Even so, Finn let out an occasional hiss of pain as the droid prodded the wound. 

Each hiss was a twinge in Poe’s gut. If he hadn’t tried to push Finn, if he’d been able to keep his distance like Leia had suggested, Finn wouldn’t have lunged at him.

_I shouldn’t have agreed to this._ Poe thought. _Every time I try to pull him in, all I do is push him away._

Poe thought about the day before, what he had told Finn. _“There is light inside you, Finn.”_

Poe still believed it. He knew that there was so much goodness in Finn, such firm and steadfast belief in others. He’d seen it that day in the hangar, when Finn had looked at him. And when Finn talked about Rey, his whole face seemed to light up. Finn knew what it meant to be truly good, to have that light inside you.

Maybe Poe wasn’t the person to bring out Finn’s light. Maybe Poe wasn’t what lead people toward good.

Maybe all he ever did was lead people to their deaths.

Finn flinched, letting out a groan as the droid finished with the bandages. Finn didn’t even look up as the droid let itself out of his cell. The droid managed to give Poe an approximation of a judgmental stare before it exited the room, the doorway hissing closed.

Finn was breathing shallowly, his hands curled into fists. Poe didn’t resume his reading. Finn was clearly in pain, and Poe wasn’t sure he wanted to read more about what had happened on Takodana anyway.

Finn hadn’t lived up to his heroic status on Takodana. He’d been trying to barter passage to a planet in the Outer Rim. He wanted only to be as far away from the First Order as possible. _“I didn’t think the shame would eat at me as much as it did. But thinking of the reproachful look Han Solo shot me, like he knew exactly what I was, like he saw through me, made my skin crawl. I was disgusted with myself, and when the First Order attacked, it gave me the courage to turn around. I couldn’t leave Rey behind.”_

The more Poe read, the more the seed of jealously grew in his gut. He tried to ignore it, to focus on Finn, but the more he read, the worse it got.

“ _It was the way we looked at each other. Partners, allies, friends. And something more. It was the wonder of two children on a playground, the kind of wonder that I only remembered in flashes of sunlight and clay and healing breath. There was something about Rey—she looked at me like she’d known me all her life. Her hand in mine was an answered question, not an asked one._

_And it was Rey’s face I saw as I tried to negotiate passage to the Outer Rim._

_And Rey’s voice in my head, imploring me to live up to the person she believed I was, that made come back to the Falcon and the Resistance, even though I was sure that it was suicide.”_

Poe shook his head. He had to stop thinking like this. The last thing Finn needed was his jealousy, especially if he wasn’t even… It didn’t matter if Finn cared for Rey. If he was falling for her, like everyone else seemed to.

She’d walked onto the station, and everyone just—worshipped her. Chewie, Leia. Like he hadn’t been working for the Resistance for over a decade. Like she wasn’t just some scavenger from Jakku who could make things float.

Poe didn’t like the way he thought about Rey, didn’t like the thoughts that went through his head whenever Finn mentioned her. It put lie to all the stuff he wanted to think about himself—that he was brave, noble, a hero. It reminded him that he wasn’t a good person.

_It’s a fantastic story. The Storm Trooper and the Chosen One, finding each other across the galaxy. It’s what the Resistance is all about. Against all odds. I just wish—_

Poe crumpled the papers in his hands. It was no good wishing. Hadn’t he learned that by now? How foolish it was to wish, how unwise to trust?

The proof was lying in front of him, the lightsaber wound open in his back.

“FN-2187.” Finn grunted, wincing as the droid carefully laid the bandages along his back. “First Order Infantry. Second Battalion.”

“I saw you on that planet.” Poe said. “Picked you out of the people on the ground, the Storm Troopers and Han and Chewie. I saw someone crouched behind a boulder, and there was no way I could have recognized you, but I think I kind of _knew_ anyway, you know _?_ I figured it was just foolish fantasy, or false hope. I figured you were long dead or had been reprogrammed.”

Finn kept saying his name and rank, but quieter.

“It’s not your fault Rey was taken,” Poe said. “She was the one who went into the forest alone. Maybe she just wanted passage out of there, too.”

“Rey—”

“Yeah.” Poe said, his voice cracking. “Rey’s alive, in case you were wondering. She left to train with Luke Skywalker. Leia says she’ll find us when she’s ready.”

“My name—”

“I know you love her,” Poe said. “It’s okay, if you don’t—if I’m not—it makes more sense, you and her.”

Finn said nothing.

Poe cleared his throat and smoothed out the papers. He found the place where he had left off and began: 

_“When I got to base, I knew that even if I was afraid, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t run anymore. I had been a coward, and the one person who’d had immediate, unquestioning faith in me was gone. Rey was captured, no doubt being tortured by Kylo Ren._

_I had to get her back, no matter what happened to me._

_General Leia Organa is exactly like I imagined her. She has this impressive presence about her. Even though she’s not the biggest or strongest, and she’s older, you can just feel the authority radiating from her. She’s the type of person who has always known exactly who she is._

_When we first met, I could hardly speak. There’s something about the way she looks at you, kind of like when Han looked at me. She sees through all your bullshit._

_But Leia somehow still managed to be compassionate, even though she must have known that I was going to run. She didn’t ask me why I wasn’t with Rey when she was taken. Why I was boarding a ship to the Outer Rim, when the Resistance needed me._

_And she didn’t ever question who I was working for._

_I’ve stood before General Hux. Trembled under the gaze of Kylo Ren. Nearly gone weak at the knees at the sight of Supreme Leader Snoke._

_Captain Phasma used to feature in most of my nightmares. I was more afraid of her than I was of all of them, put together._

_But Leia—Leia could stand against all of them, armed with only a blaster, and I think she’d probably come out of it alive. She has this strength about her that nothing can touch. Nothing else comes close to that unwavering faith and conviction._

_“I have a lot to ask you, Finn.” She said._

_It was the first time my name felt right. The first time that I felt like I could live up to it. Finn, former Stormtrooper, Resistance fighter._

_So I told her all of the plans. And I—embellished._

_I think she knew that I wasn’t as important as I said. I think that’s why she sent Han—he’s the one who always gets out of tight spots, who goes in with half the information and still manages to get results._

_Or maybe she could just tell that I would do anything to save Rey._

_Or maybe it was what happened just before we left. She pulled me aside in the hangar, right before I said goodbye to Poe and set off with Han and Chewie._

_“Finn, do you know where you’re from? Do you remember anything from your childhood, before the First Order?”_

_“I sort of remember my mother,’ I said. “But it’s all pretty hazy.”_

_Leia looked at me for a long moment, and I felt a presence, getting ever more prevalent. I gasped, and the presence retreated._

_It was an awareness of the life around me, the same one I’d started to feel when I met Rey, when Kylo Ren looked at me._

_“Don’t fight it,” Leia said. “The Force is strong in you, I can feel it.”_

_“I have—The Force?”_

_“No one has the Force.” A knowing smile curved around Leia’s lips. “But you are sensitive to it. You can feel it, can’t you?”_

_I swallowed. “On Jakku, when I met Rey. There was—something between us. Like I recognized something in her.” I blushed, but Leia didn’t seem to mind._

_“It has awoken in you. Probably has been there all your life.”_

_“Then why didn’t I feel it until now?”_

_“Why did you break an entire decade of conditioning and brainwashing? Why risk your life to save my pilot?” Leia put her hand on my shoulder, and a surge of strength went through me. “You are meant for great things, Finn. Come see me when you get back. I can teach you.”_

_“I don’t know.” It suddenly seemed so impossible.. I’d spent my whole life thinking I was ordinary. No different from everyone else._

_Force-users, Jedi…they were noble and brave and strong. They didn’t run to the Outer Rim when things got dangerous. Even a Sith would have stood and fought._

_“I think you’re mistaken. It’s not me—it’s Rey.”_

_“Rey is strong with the Force.” Leia said. “Stronger than she knows. But there’s something you should learn about me pretty quickly, if you want to stay on my good side.”_

_“What’s that?”_

_“I am always right.”_

“I can’t believe she said that to you.” Poe said aloud. “She says that to me all the time.”

Finn was quiet.

Poe turned to look at him, then jumped. The stack of journal entries he’d carefully placed beside the cell were—floating. Drifting through the air to land in Finn’s outstretched hands.

“Finn?” Poe asked

At that moment, the door burst open. The papers fell with a hiss, spreading out on the floor.

Leia rushed forward. “He reconnected with the Force.” She said triumphantly. “I knew he would.”

“We’re not done yet!” Poe protested.

Leia put her hand on his shoulder. “I’ll take it from here. I’ll let you know if you’re needed tomorrow. You’ve done brilliantly, Poe! I knew you could do it.”

Finn was on his feet, his eyes wide and open. “Poe? Leia? What happened?”

“You had an injury.” Leia said. “But you’re going to feel much better soon. Poe, you’re dismissed.”

“But General—” Poe felt like so much was unfinished, unsaid. He hadn’t even gotten to his meeting with Finn in the hangar. That embrace was so important, so vital—it set the precedent for how this entire damn thing was supposed to go.

Did Finn miss him like a friend?

Or was the traitorous beat of Poe’s heart actually right for once?

“I still think he needs these.” He held up the papers.

“He can read them himself. I need you on a ship to Coruscant. Ren is looking for an artifact of the Republic. We need to get it first. Go.”

“But—”

“You wanted action, right? Go!" 


	4. You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Leia do some Force training, while Poe is sent on a special mission to Coruscant.  
> "We join in the flow of nature. We do not manipulate it, crush it, submit it to our will. Control your desire to subjugate, Finn. Your fear of loss and destruction is a path to the Dark Side..."
> 
> (Everything about Coruscant that I added here is not canon as far as I know, so do not @me. Its good for the story.)

**CHAPTER 4: YOU KNOW**

**FINN**

Finn’s back hurt. A lot.

Leia had been training him relentlessly, and the wound still stretched painfully, bleeding occasionally with the strain.

The Sun beat down on him in the clearing, and sweat was running into his eyes. Leia surveyed him calmly, still in the same oddly still, composed sitting position she’d been holding for the past hour, as though she were thoroughly unperturbed by the heat, the biting mosquitoes, or Finn’s utter lack of progress.

Finn still hadn’t managed to shift even a pebble since that day in his cell. He’d come into awareness with several sheets of paper hanging in the air, staring at Poe and Leia, who were both looking at him as though he’d just sprouted wings. Leia had said that the trauma of his wound had reactivated his First Order conditioning. He’d been nothing more than a solider, disciplined and mindless, dedicated to the First Order. She'd said that she wasn't sure he would come back.

But he _had_ come back. Somehow, Poe had read him his journals, and he woke up.

_Poe..._

Where was he? Why wasn't he here? Why wasn't he close? Why had he been the one to read Finn's journals, when he surely had better things to do as a commander? 

And why did Finn feel like when he'd awoken, when he'd seen Poe looking at him through the bars of his cell, hope and anguish in his eyes, that he was missing something vitally important?

Finn had gone back through his journals, trying to remember something from the past few days, but the last few a days were still completely blank. He remembered everything up to and including the fight with Ren on Starkiller Base, but he still couldn’t recall even a moment of what had happened afterwards.

Leia still hadn’t explained why _Poe_ had been the one reading the journals to Finn. Couldn’t Finn have just read them himself? Couldn’t she have tried to impart the knowledge through the Force? 

And since he’d woken up, Poe was nowhere to be found. He’d left soon after Finn had returned to himself, and Finn hadn’t seen him since.

Finn tried not to let it bother him. Poe was a Resistance commander. He probably had more important things to do than see to Finn’s well-being.

Except…it was _Poe._ And even though they barely knew each other, Finn always felt off-kilter when Poe wasn’t around. Poe was solid, familiar. The first person Finn had seen when he’d chosen to betray the First Order, the person whose conviction and bravado had inspired him to fight, and keep fighting.

Where was he? Did he miss Finn at all? Was Finn just another mission?

Finn tried to reach out with the Force again, to shift the rocks that littered the clearing, or at least find out where Poe was, but he felt the same nothingness. Had he even used the Force before? Did he really ever feel it? Maybe this was all a fluke, coincidence or luck. He was a Storm Trooper, plucked out of some obscure planet because he _wasn’t_ special. Why should a couple magic tricks make him believe any different?

“Be patient, Finn.” Leia said, as though she could read his mind. “These things take time. There is much about your awareness that you need to—unlearn.”

“What do you mean?”

“The operant conditioning that Hux gives his Storm Troopers inevitably results in a resistance to the Force. You close your mind to it—you sort of have to, in order to be a good solider in the First Order. You’re finding your way back, but it’s going to take some time.” 

“Is that why you keep encouraging the journaling?”

“You need to discover your own voice. You’ve never developed much of one; the First Order stole it from you when you were a small child. Knowing who you are will help you understand where you fit in the balance of the universe.”

Finn got to his feet and paced back and forth, trying to work out the restlessness in his limbs. Leia was still limiting his physical activity, and it was driving him insane. Finn had been doing impossibly difficult workouts for most of his life. Training made him feel in control of his body, the only semblance of agency he possessed under the First Order. Spending so long bedridden had made his body feel clumsy, strange, and foreign. Weak.

“What if we try some lightsaber training?” Finn eyed the lightsaber clipped to Leia’s hip. “Maybe that will get me attuned to the Force.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“One, because your back would rip open with that type of activity.” Leia pushed herself from the rock and took a few steps away from Finn, so that she faced him. "Don't pretend not to feel it--I can tell that it's still hurting you." Finn put a hand to his wound, making sure it hadn't started to bleed, and scowled.

“Two,” Leia ignited her lightsaber. It glowed a bright, pristine blue. “The lightsaber is an elegant, deadly weapon. The slightest misstep can be catastrophic.” There was a blur of moment, and Finn jumped back, started at the scent of burning material.

Leia, moving too quickly for him to see, had sliced off a portion of his sleeve.

“And three,” she continued, deactivating the lightsaber and placing it back on her belt. “You need to be much more in tune with the Force before you are prepared for combat.”

“I fought Kylo Ren on Starkiller Base.”

“And tell me again how that went.”

Finn scowled. “I feel like I’m moving backwards.”

“You have a lot of catching up to do. Close your eyes. _Listen_ to the world around you. Go to that place in your mind that you keep locked away. Open it up, let it be free. There is nothing that can be kept away from the Force. It flows into all things, through all things. It is the golden thread that manipulates and connects the universe together. Like a loom, we are _woven_ together through the Force. Can you _feel_ that?”

Finn sighed and sat down. “Fine.”

“Take deep, even breaths. Let go of the tension in your body. Reach out with the Force.”

Finn concentrated. He took deep breaths, letting his mind drift out with each one. He imagined an ocean, lapping against a lush, isolated shore. The soft rhythm of waves against the rocks, pulling him in deeper and deeper.

But his reverie kept getting interrupted by flashes. Black rock and white skeletons. The crimson splash of blood. The smoking ruins of a charred city.

Finn tried to breathe deeply, but a sense of panic was rising inside him. Voices screaming out for supplication. A hand grasping at his front, wiping blood across his visor. A voice, crying out for a mother that was long dead, had been long dead for years, a life that was no longer his, a name he would never remember.

Finn’s breathing quickened, and he could feel his pulse hammering in his ears. Something was rising up inside him, something that seemed to flow through him from the very air that surrounded him.

“Feel it.” Leia whispered. “a Jedi is a participant in the universe, not a conqueror. We join in the flow of nature. We do not manipulate it, crush it, submit it to our will. Control your desire to subjugate, Finn. Your fear of loss and destruction is a path to the Dark Side. The Jedi steps into the flow, not against it. The Jedi respects the Force.”

Finn took a shaky breath, trying to reach out. The rhythm of the waves, the flashes of destruction, pulling him outward. Until he felt the threads, the thickness of the air surrounding him, the sense of electrical, crackling energy that pervaded all beings. He reached out…

“Excellent, Finn.” Leia said. “Gently, move through the Force. Allow it to fill you.”

Finn could feel sweat trickling down his forehead. Now the flashes were getting more pervasive. Rey’s face, inches from his own aboard the Millennium Falcon. Poe in the hangar, just before the mission to Starkiller base. He’d run toward him, and it had felt like all the universe had been leading up to this moment. The sun was brighter, the air sharper.

Finn opened his eyes.

The pebbles around the clearing were all at eye level, held in perfect suspension.

Leia rested a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “Now we can really begin.”

**POE**

According to records, Coruscant had been a thriving city, the vibrant base of the Galactic Republic. It had held the Senate and the Jedi Temple, and those who lived on Coruscant worked as security and secretaries, pages and other essential personnel. This was the city planet that had run the Republic, the seat of one of the greatest experiments in democracy of all time.

But that was a long time ago. Coruscant had long since been abandoned, an imperial outpost that harbored only weapons manufacturers and the occasional smuggler. Over the horizon, as the ship descended, he caught site of what must have been the Jedi Temple, nothing more than a burnt-out husk. No one had dared to repair it since the days of the Jedi—even going near it could be seen as treason.

And in the grip of the First Order, Coruscant had become even more unstable. The new Republic hadn’t wanted to reclaim it, the Resistance had no use for it, and the First Order didn’t consider it a vital resource.

So Coruscant languished, full of broken-down buildings and sputtering electricity, a flickering husk that had once been one of the bright lights of the galaxy.

Poe often wondered what the Republic must have been like in those early days. If it was truly the democracy the Resistance was driving for, then why had it not reemerged after Palpatine’s demise? And how could the Republic have been so blind as to vote to destroy their own Republic, to hand more and more power over to the Chancellor until the vote to create the Empire was a mere formality?

Leia sometimes spoke of her father, Bail Organa, who had voted against the empire. Bail had known Leia’s birth mother, Padme Amidala, one of the most vocal and accomplished young people in the Senate.

Whose husband, the Jedi Anakin Skywalker, had turned evil, becoming the tipping point of the Republic’s fall.

If Padme Amidala had never met Anakin Skywalker, Poe wondered, would any of this have happened? That love story, if love it was, had led to all of this. A powerful, wise senator and a Jedi, corrupted by the Dark Side, brought down into destruction. 

And now Poe was a pilot, in love with a budding Jedi.

What could he be thinking?

Of course Finn loved Rey. Of course Finn didn’t want anything to do with him. Poe had fallen for someone who would soon be sworn to abhor attachment of any kind, or at least to remain in league only with members of his own order. Hadn’t they learned from history? No amount of longing was worth the potential repercussions.

And speaking of the repercussions…

Kylo Ren’s ship, like a great winged insect, was on one of the streets adjacent to the Jedi Temple. Poe sent out a scan. He could tell that Ren was somewhere else in the temple, along with four or five lifeforms that were undoubtedly his Knights of Ren.

Poe gulped. He knew that he didn’t stand a chance against them, but he had to find the artifact. According to Leia, it might be a way to bring down the Dark Side, and the First Order, for good. Some sort of Holocron that was hidden deep in the Jedi Archives.

Of course, it might have been wise to include a Jedi on this mission, but Leia had insisted on making Finn stay behind. “He isn’t healed, and he needs more training,” she'd said, but there was a shifty look to her eyes that suggested something else. 

Poe had refused to bring backup, in spite of Leia’ orders. This type of mission was best done stealthily, and besides, he needed to be alone with his thoughts. Just him, the X wing, and BB-8. The way it had been a few months ago, when he’d been searching the galaxy for Luke Skywalker, and so much of this had made more sense.

Poe landed his X-wing behind an outcropping of buildings, hoping that it would remain hidden from scavengers and the First Order. He tapped his communicator, which held a detailed map of the Jedi temple.

“The Holocron is in the Jedi Library, buddy.” Poe said to BB-8, who beeped and whirred. “You’ll need to help me hack into their system—who knows what kind of security they still have.”

BB-8 whistled something in response.

“Well there’s no helping that, is there?” Poe got out his blaster. “If Ren already stole it, I’ll just have to steal it back.” 

BB-8 beeped mournfully.

“No negative talk.” Poe adjusted his belt to avoid looking at the droid. “Let’s go.”

**FINN**

“He did _WHAT?”_

Finn was really trying not to eavesdrop, especially since whatever information that had caused Leia to react had been whispered in her ear. But they were training alone in the clearing, and Leia was shouting so loudly, a few birds had taken flight.

“Do you want me to scramble the fleet, ma’am?” the Resistance captain asked, seemingly indifferent to Leia’s outburst.

“If Ben’s around, the rest of the First Order can’t be far behind.” Leia said. “We’ll need to change our plans.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“General,” Finn began hesitantly. “Is there something wrong?”

Leia turned toward him, her eyes narrowing. “Back to your training. I want you to try balancing—”

“Is it about Poe? Is he alright?”

“Excuse me?”

“Didn’t you order him to go to Coruscant?”

“With an armed escort. With espionage droids and a fighting force strong enough to hold Kylo Ren at bay. _Not_ all alone, with a droid and no backup!” Leia ran a hand through her hair, which had begun to escape her bun in the heat. “It’s absolutely ridiculous. All Poe wants to do is get in his X-Wing and blast all of his problems away.”

“I could go.” Finn said. “I can sneak in there and grab him. I know how the First Order operates—I might be able to figure out their strategy, and—”

“You are not going after him.” Leia said. “You and Rey are among the last Jedi left in the galaxy. And the very last thing I want to do is lose you because you rush in untrained.”

Finn let out a huff of frustration. “What’s the point of having the Force if I can’t use it to help people?”

“I see your feelings, Finn. I see your rage and hatred for Kylo Ren, your hatred of Hux and the entire First Order. Anger is a path to the Dark Side.”

Finn's eyes flashed. “I should be angry!” he shouted. “They took me away from my family. They took _everything_ from me, and they should pay.”

“The best way to take revenge is for the Resistance to win. We _need_ you, Finn.” “

“You need Poe! He’s the best pilot you’ve got!”

“And you cannot help him.”

“I’m going.” Finn set his jaw. “You can’t stop me.”

“If you go, you will face Kylo Ren.” Leia closed her eyes. “The Force is in turmoil around the both of you. The outcome is unclear. But you will be putting yourself in danger, and all to save one person. Let my team handle it.”

“Let them stay here, and I’ll take care of it.” Finn said. “Leia, please. What if it were Han? What if Han were captured, and only you could save him?”

Leia flinched as though he’d struck her.

Finn realized his mistake. “General Leia, I’m sorry.” He said. “I didn’t mean--”

“I did rescue Han once," Leia murmured softly. Her eyes were far away, and she barely seemed to even register Finn, lost in memories. "A bounty hunter by the name of Boba Fett froze him and delivered him to Jabba the Hutt, a gangster that Han owed money to. When Luke and I tried to save him, Jabba ended up capturing me too, chaining me to his side and dressing me in this truly hideous outfit.” 

“What happened?”

“ I strangled Jabba with my chains.” She smiled softly. “It was the second time I told Han I loved him.”

Finn didn’t say anything for a long while. Leia still seemed far away, and Finn thought he saw a tear roll down her cheek.

“General!” the captain had reemerged with five people behind him, all armed to the teeth and wearing serious expressions. “We’ll move out whenever we’re ready.”

“Wait a moment, Captain.” Leia turned back to Finn. “If you go, there is no guarantee you will be coming back. Kylo Ren could turn you, or reactivate your conditioning. The next time we face each other, it might be on opposite sides of a battlefield.”

“I understand, Master. I won’t allow it to happen.”

“Keep the Force with you, Finn. It is the only thing that can truly protect you from someone like Kylo Ren. Here.” She handed him the lightsaber.

“I thought you said I wasn’t ready. My back--”

“This is war. No one is ever ready for it. Trust the Force. And go.” She jerked her head. “I’ll send in as much backup as I can. And try not to alert the entire First Order to your presence, would you?”

“Leia—” Finn said softly. “Can I ask you something?”

“You need to hurry—the longer Poe is there, the more likely it is that Ren’s caught up with him.”

But Finn had to know, especially if this might be the last time he would see her. “Just tell me, please. Why did you ask Poe to read my journals to me?”

Leia smiled softly, her eyes glistening. “I don't need to tell you that, Finn. You know.” 


	5. Chapter 5: Coruscant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn, Poe, and Leia confront Kylo Ren on Coruscant. Featured Force-ghost appearances and the illustrious voices of your favorite Dark side bad guys.
> 
> I wrote this chapter in part because Leia DESERVES a lightsaber fight. God DAMMIT.
> 
> [[Also I'm sorry about including Anakin. It's just that--Hayden Christensen like--did for me what Leia in that stupid bikini did for teenage boys in the 70s and 80s. My 5yo self was never the same]]

**CHAPTER 5: CORUSCANT**

**POE**

The inside of the Jedi Temple was blasted-out and full of rubble and cobwebs. A few spiders skittered across the floor as Poe entered, keeping to the shadows on the edge of the room until his eyes could adjust.

BB-8 rolled along beside him, uncharacteristically silent.

A certain hush pervaded the place, more prescient than the simple silence of an uninhabited or abandoned building.

There was something sinister about the silence, something that gave the feeling of a hand clamped over a mouth to muffle a scream. Something terrible had happened here.

Poe tried to dismiss the images that suffused his mind, the product of a million stories around campfires, legends that haunted every Resistance member at night.

It wouldn’t do anyone any good if he spent too much time wondering about the lives that had been lost under Order 66, the devastation that ensued as Emperor Palpatine took power.

Sunlight streamed in through the windows and the blasted holes in the ceiling, which dappled the smooth, marble floor with splashes of light. Poe could see that it would be difficult to fight in here; an enemy hiding in the shadows would certainly have the advantage. There was a round, circular desk in the middle of the chamber, and a few adjoining hallways.

Poe frowned. Which one led to the library? He couldn’t waste time wandering around in the wrong place, especially since this building still looked like it was on the verge of collapse. Poe sighed. “BB-8. Any way that Leia gave you a map of the Jedi temple before we left?”

BB-8 made several rapid beeping noises.

“If I had listened to Leia, we wouldn’t even be here yet, and Kylo Ren would be gone. Can you just _try_ to be helpful?”

More rapid beeping.

“What do you mean, ‘look down’?” Poe looked. “Oh.”

Through the dust that covered the floor, there was a collection of boot prints, all seeming to head for the corridor to the right.

“Don’t say another word.” Poe said.

Poe started down the corridor, trying to keep to the shadows in case Kylo Ren had posted guards.

In spite of clear evidence of destruction and disrepair, Poe was shocked by how normal-seeming it appeared. There were rooms off to the side with desks, places where young Jedi had clearly been taught and trained in the ways of the Force, where they’d been groomed to help bring peace and justice to the galaxy. 

Poe hoped that Ren didn’t know how to find the Holocron. Hoped he had as little information about accessing the Jedi’s database as Poe did. If the opposite was true, and Poe had come too late, there would be little that he could do—Even Poe knew that he didn’t stand a chance against Kylo Ren and his followers.

But if it was a simply a matter of stealing something, Poe might have the advantage. 

Poe crept along the hallway, BB-8 still only a few steps behind. The stacks of records in the Jedi Library had originally been governed by a digital system, but with the state of disrepair the temple was in, Leia had recommended searching manually. There could be millions of records to sort through, and Leia hadn’t given him more than a few headings to navigate the stacks. He had to be swift and cautious, but also aware that if he were too cautious, Ren would take the Holocron, and whatever advantage Leia was hoping to gain for the Resistance would be lost.

Poe still wasn’t sure what was on the Holocron—Leia hadn’t fully explained it, just given him the Serial number: 81766.

Poe was still skeptical about the whole thing. Was he really supposed to believe that one person, one piece of data, could control the fate of the entire galaxy? Isn’t that what had gotten them into this mess in the first place? Anakin Skywalker had been the Chosen One, once.

Poe crept closer to the library doors, listening.

BB-8 whistled. “What do you mean, it’s empty? Kylo Ren came in ahead of us. Unless—do you think he already took it?”

BB-8 whistled in response.

Poe edged the door open, hissing at BB-8 to be quiet. “We have to at least check, don’t we?”

The inside of the library looked as though a bomb had gone off inside it. The shelves were down to rubble, and the digital platform at the center, where patrons would have been able to search the database, had been sliced brutally in half by a lightsaber, its remains still smoking.

“He was here.” Poe said. “Do we know if he got the Holocron?”

He edged around the database to the shelves. Most of the files were in pieces, fragments of chips and plastic scattered all over the floor, bits of metal mingled in with everything else.

“Who destroyed this?” Poe wondered. “The Empire? Or Kylo Ren, when he figured out we were after him.”

BB-8 chirped.

“You’re right—I guess it doesn’t really matter.” Poe squinted through the dust. “There’s no way the Holocron could still be here after this. Kylo Ren must have taken it.”

He turned back to the door, then froze.

A Knight of Ren was standing in front of the doors, their arms clasped over their middle.

Poe raised his blaster, willing his hand not to shake, trying not to remember the last time he’d fired on a Force-user. “Where’s the Holocron?” he demanded.

“Poe Dameron,” a scratchy, gravelly voice resounded from the left. Poe whipped around.

Kylo Ren emerged from the shadows, his mask pulled down over his face, limping slightly from the wound he’d received on Starkiller Base. “I was hoping Leia would send someone more—”

“More what?” Poe willed his panic to go away. _This won’t be like last time,_ he told himself. _I won’t give him anything._

“You’ll give me whatever I want.” Kylo Ren said. He gestured,, Poe’s blaster was knocked from his hand. “There is so much I need to know about your famed Resistance, now that the First Order has become the dominant presence in the galaxy. How many of you are left? What has Luke Skywalker been doing all these years?”

He moved closer, so that he could almost whisper. “Does General Organa truly think that she stands a chance against me?”

“She sent me with a message, actually,” Poe said through gritted teeth. Kylo Ren was holding all of his muscles taut; he couldn’t move, could barely breathe.

“What was that?”

“Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.” Poe said, then immediately cried out in pain as Ren’s lightsaber, moving faster than he could see, sliced inches from his face. He could feel the burn across his cheek, slight, but enough that he knew it could leave a scar.

“Always so much bravado.” Kylo Ren said. “And always so hopeless. Just like Solo.”

“Where’s the Holocron?” Poe asked. “What have you done with it?”

“Did Leia even tell you what was on the Holocron?” Kylo Ren mused. “Or were you too busy being her little puppet to ask?”

Poe said nothing. He didn’t want to voice his own fears, his own doubts about why he hadn’t been let in on the true nature of the mission.

Maybe Leia didn’t include him because he’d proven himself too impulsive and volatile for command. Maybe she really didn’t trust him.

“I’ll make you a deal,” Poe said. “Give me the Holocron, and the fleet of Resistance ships aimed on this temple won’t fire.”

“You’re bluffing.”

“I’m not bluffing.”

“He’s bluffing.” the Knight of Ren agreed.

“I am NOT!” Poe lied. “Leia would never let me be taken alive! They’ll be in here any second.”

Just as he finished, the library doors exploded outward, flattening the Knight beneath them.

“WHAT?” Poe shouted, half-incredulous, half-relieved.

The Knight stirred feebly, groaning in pain.

Through the doors, a lone figure emerged, wielding a blue lightsaber.

Poe couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

_“Finn?”_

**FINN**

  
“Let him go.” Finn shouted, hoping that the loudness of his voice would mask his fear.

He heard Leia’s voice in his head. _Let go of your fear. Feel the Force._

“I thought I felt something.” Kylo Ren muttered, looking from Finn to Poe. “Leia sent _you_ in here?” He laughed softly. “She doesn’t care about either of you. All she ever cares about is her damned Resistance.”

“Let him go.”

Kylo Ren’s lightsaber whooshed into existence, the red crossguard crackling with unstable, volatile energy. “Or you’ll do what?” He smirked.

“Poe, run.”

“I’m not leaving you!”

“Poe—”

Poe dived to the side, retrieving his blaster as he did so. He seized the momentum and fired on Ren, who deflected the blast easily with his lightsaber.

“Where’s the girl?” Kylo Ren asked Finn. “Training with Skywalker?”

Finn felt a presence probe the edge of his mind. He did his best to throw it off, and the presence receded.

Ren laughed softly. “You’ll tell me. I know exactly how to break you. Traitor.”

Finn attacked, leaping over the steps to deliver a smashing downward strike.

But Kylo Ren was not there. Finn ducked, his Force sense saving him from being sliced in half.

_Immerse yourself in the flow,_ He heard Leia’s voice again. _It is the only way._

Finn let the Force take over him, and the next few moments were blurs of motion. He was conscious of slashes and parries, a sudden, burning pain across his back as the wound reopened with the exertion. Kylo Ren’s face, inches from his own, the angry red mark from Rey’s strike still open and unhealed, the flesh black beneath it. The flashes of the red lightsaber as it crashed with his own, sparks falling onto Poe’s jacket.

_I am Finn._ Finn thought. _The Force is strong with me. I am not a Storm Trooper. I am not a soldier. I am a Jedi._

Suddenly, Kylo Ren howled and Finn was blasted backwards, smashing against the wall. Finn screamed as his back erupted into fire, the pain enough to make him feel like it had been sliced open all over again. He could feel blood running down his back, hot and sticky.

Finn tried to get up, but the pain was too much. He felt the thud of Kylo Ren’s footsteps, coming closer and closer.

“Get out of my way.” Ren said.

“No.” 

Finn struggled to right himself. Through a haze of pain, he managed to sit up. He could see Poe’s boots. _What are you doing?_ Finn thought desperately. _Run, you fool!_

But Poe simply stood there, his feet slightly apart, the bow staff from the Knight of Ren between his hands.

“Poe—” Finn whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Poe said. 

“The Supreme Leader has an interest in him,” Kylo said. “But there is no interest in you. Step aside, or die.”

“You won’t take him back there. I won’t let you!”

“Get out of my way. This is your last chance.”

Poe didn’t say another word. He just attacked.

**POE**

T _This was a bad decision_ , Poe thought, bracing himself for Ren’s attack, _made on the tail of a million other equally stupid decisions_. _Leia was right; I really am just a trigger-happy flyboy._

Poe’s mind ran through all the rational, non-suicidal solutions he could have arrived at before this one:

Poe should have called Leia for backup the moment he’d seen Ren. BB-8 was still deep in the Archives, looking for the Holocron. Poe had sent him away the moment Finn had burst through the doors, trusting that Ren would be too distracted to notice.

Poe should have run. He could have at least gotten in his X-Wing and bombed the place; it was probably the only chance he had to actually survive this.

But when Finn had attacked Ren, Poe couldn’t move.

Finn matched Ren’s every thrust, met every parry. He moved so smoothly, it was almost a dance, pirouetting from one position to the other. Finn’s face was deadly calm, while Ren’s was contorted with rage, the anger building as Finn moved flawlessly to block his attacks. Blood dripped onto the floor from beneath the jacket that he still wore, but Finn’s face gave no trace of pain.

And Poe couldn’t do anything but watch in admiration and horror as the battle raged.

When Ren had finally blasted Finn backward, Poe knew that he couldn’t let Finn lose. He couldn’t let Finn go back to the First Order, back to the conditioning program that he had fought so hard to be free from.

That light in his eyes, the greatness, the destiny shining out of him, would be silenced forever.

So even though Poe knew it was foolish, he seized the bow staff that the Knight of Ren had held and attacked. He hadn’t had much training in this type of combat, and he knew he didn’t stand a chance against a Force-user.

But maybe he could buy Finn a little time.

“Run, Finn!” he shouted.

The first blow that he parried felt like it had been delivered by a ton of bricks. He felt the impact all the way into his bones; it rattled his teeth. It was all he could do to block each of the following blows, bracing himself for every strike. There was no hope of a counterattack, no hope of catching Ren off guard. Ren moved too fast, like smoke, and he was being forced back, back toward the wall and Finn.

A slow smile curved on Ren’s face, and his eyes gleamed with triumph as Poe neared the wall. He was _enjoying_ this.

Poe felt his boot nudge the wall behind him, and he knew that he was running out of time. He parried, desperately, and the force of Ren’s strike knocked him back into the wall with a groan.

“Enough.” Said a voice.

Kylo Ren stopped, his lightsaber crackling in his hands. In a single, swift movement, he knocked the bow staff from Poe’s grasp, and Poe felt the Force shove him against the wall once more. Stars erupted behind his eyes, and he fell, disoriented.

“Is that what you send to face me, Mother?” Ren mocked, watching Poe writhe on the ground in pain. “You let your puppets take all the risk, while you pull the strings.”

Leia had emerged through the library doors, a bright blue lightsaber gleaming in her hand.

“Leave them alone. Your fight is with me.”

Kylo Ren eyed Poe for a moment, as though calculating, then he turned to face his mother.

Poe got to his feet and rushed over to where Finn lay. He knelt beside him, shaking his shoulder. “Finn! Finn, are you alright?”

“Poe! Finn grasped his hand, blinking dizzily. “What the hell were you thinking? You can’t fight him!”

“I couldn’t let you go back there.”

“I would have been fine.”

“No. I won’t stop fighting for you, Finn. No matter what happens. I’ll always be there to rescue you.”

Finn smiled wryly. “Isn’t that my line?”

Poe wanted to say more, but the fight between Leia and Ren was escalating, ranging all over the room. The stacks in one area had already toppled, and Poe heard a beeping noise that cut off suddenly.

“BB-8! We have to get to him!”

“What about Leia?” Finn got to his feet. “I can’t leave her to face him alone.”

Poe looked at Finn. At the way he stood, the blood running from the wound in his back. The unfocused look in his eyes, and the way he swayed on his feet.

“You’re in no condition!” Poe said. “You have to help me find the Holocron.”

“No.” Finn set his jaw stubbornly. “I’m not running from the fight anymore, Poe. Go. We’ll buy you time.”

Poe let out a sigh, exasperated. “Why won’t you just stay safe? Why do you have to be like this?”

Finn smiled wryly. “Would you love me any other way?”

Before Poe could answer, he flipped into the air and landed beside Leia, all traces of dizziness gone. They attacked Ren seamlessly, moving together as though they were one unit.

Ren was backing up, his relentless, powerful blows limited in range due to the addition of another attacker.

Poe wrenched his gaze away and raced into the stacks. “BB-8! BB-8! Where are you?”

There was a chirping noise.

He stepped around a corner to find a stone shelf pinning the droid to the ground. Digital files had cascaded around it, making the going slippery and difficult. “BB-8!” Poe shouted. “Do you have it?”

A chirping noise.

“What do you mean, no?”

BB-8 chirped, then made a collection of beeps.

“I’m coming, I’m coming. How can we get it from him?”

Before BB-8 could answer, he heard Leia shout. “COWARD.”

There was the clatter of boots on concrete.

Then nothing.

Poe looked back at the battle scene. Leia was standing in the library’s center, panting.

Finn was nowhere to be found.

“Where’s Finn?”

Leia took a breath. “Ben took off. Finn ran after him. I _told_ him not to, I—” 

Poe felt a shard of fear pierce his heart. “Ren has the Holocron. But Finn’s hurt—he doesn’t—he doesn’t stand a chance.”

Leia was still gasping for air.

“We have to go after him.” 

Leia shook her head. “It’s too late. Finn is on his own.”

Poe shook his head. “Maybe I can get there in time, with my X-Wing.”

“It’s too dangerous, Poe! Stop! That’s an order!”

But Poe was already gone.

**FINN**

Finn rushed through the corridor, exposed brick and drywall crumbling around him. Ren was too far ahead to be seen, so Finn poured on another burst of speed.

If Ren escaped with the Holocron, and whatever information it held, all would be lost—

There was no way Leia would have come if it wasn’t important, wasn’t something that might change the course of the war.

He just _felt_ that it was important. In the same way that he felt things through the Force. The fate of the galaxy might be contained in the contents of this Holocron.

The Jedi temple ended in a massive set of double doors, which hung off their hinges. 

Finn burst through them, already drawing his lightsaber and igniting it.

He saw Ren’s ship, the ramp lowered, waiting just across the quad that formed the grounds of the Jedi temple. It had clearly once been a magnificent garden, but now it resembled more of a jungle, with vines and creepers emerging from every area, some even extending to cover the walkway.

Finn forced himself to slow his steps, to regulate his breathing. He knew that this could only end in battle, and in spite of his bravado in pursuing Ren, he knew that it might not be something he was entirely ready for. His back ached, and he hadn’t even known he could use the Force a week ago.

Ren was older, better-trained, and ruthless. Finn had seen him kill Han solo. It had happened so quickly. Han had reached to embrace him, and Ren had met that love and compassion with an ignited lightsaber.

Finn could feel the fear coursing through his veins, making his breathing fast and shallow. He forced himself to control it. _Fear is the path to the Dark Side,_ he reminded himself, one of Leia’s earliest lessons. It was fear that had made him try to flee on Tadokan, fear that had kept him from being there for Rey when she needed him most.

He would not make that mistake again.

Finn took careful deliberate steps, willing himself to ignore the throbbing pain that laced across his back. _The Force is with me,_ Finn thought. _The Force is with me._

He felt Ren attack before he saw him. A flash of awareness at the corner of his vision; Finn turned, and Ren struck with a vicious overhead chop, emerging from the steps beside the temple as quickly as though he’d teleported the distance. Finn blocked him furiously and set up his feet carefully. It would be important for him to keep his technique, rein in his emotions and his fear and pain.

But it was hard not to feel hate surge up in him at the site of Ren. It was hard not to remember the figure in the mask parading in front of him, bowing before him, watching him give the order to fire on the villagers because they were inconvenient, because he needed to make a statement, because they were _there._

And the power that surged up in Finn as he attacked Ren, attacked the person who represented all the pain and horror and abuse he’d suffered, was difficult to push aside. Finn felt part of himself opening up, smashing Ren back further and further, until Ren was descending the steps of the temple, blocking him with a little more than rage in his eyes.

Something like—respect.

Finn kept striking, his face contorted in a grimace, the rage lending power to his every strike, his every thrust. And every blow that Ren blocked was for his mother, who he’d never known. And every strike was for Rey, limp and unconscious in his arms, for Poe, who had lost everything but was still fighting, for Leia, and Han Solo, and his friends who had died beside him.

Ren stumbled, falling down on one knee, and Finn struck, reopening the wound that Rey had left with Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber. Ren let out a scream and dropped his lightsaber.

Finn raised his own to strike…

And he heard a voice.

_“Do it!” the voice was rough, gravelly and harsh. At the same time, hissed, like a snake. “Strike him down, and you will become more powerful than he ever was. Take your revenge.”_

_Finn felt fear surge through him at the voice, for there was such power in it. A power that was a black hole, the negative energy of emptiness, vast and consuming and hungry. Hungry for flesh and decay._

_“Do it!” the voice whispered, triumph lacing its venomous words._

_Finn hesitated. “I shouldn’t. It’s not the Jedi way.”_

_“Since when are you a Jedi, FN-2187.’ The voice got louder, as though its owner had grown excited, “You don’t even have a name. That is what he stole from you. So make_ him _nameless. Destroy him!”_

But Finn was paralyzed, looking at Ren, who moaned on the ground, blood leaking from between his fingers.

Another voice joined the first.

_“He’s lying.”_

Finn didn’t recognize this voice, either. Its owner was younger, and the voice was smoother, with an edge to it. A harshness and the deep saw of regret, that turned what should have been a melody into something that sounded much older, and much more exhausted.

“Who are you?”

_The voice didn’t answer, but it took on a more pleading edge. “The Force is strong with you, Finn. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Strike someone down in anger, strike in your rage, and they will always be with you. You will not bring balance, you will let in the Dark. And the Dark Side twists all the best intentions. This death will only be the beginning.”_

“How do you know that?” 

_“Feel the Force within you, Finn. Do not make the mistakes I did, which my children suffer for. Do not let your hands run with blood. Mercy is the way of the Jedi. Compassion is the path of the light.”_

“He took everything from me.” Finn whispered.

Ren was still moaning in pain, scrabbling desperately on the ground. Finn held his lightsaber over his neck, ready to strike. “He deserves this. Think how many I could save! He’s too dangerous to be left alive.”

_“Do it!”_

_“The Force flows in you, Finn. Choose the light. Choose better than I did, better than him.”_

Finn screamed.

And put out his lightsaber.

“The Holocron.” He hissed.

Even in his pain, Ren managed to laugh. “You really think I’ll give in to you?”

Finn smacked him across the face. “GIVE IT TO ME!” He screamed. “GODDAMN YOU.”

Ren looked up at him, one glove held against his face.

And Finn could swear that the look he shot him was, for just a moment, one of grudging admiration.

But before either of them could say another word, the world tilted sideways.

And Finn was conscious of a pair of strong arms, wrapped around him, as the world exploded.


	6. The Last Jedi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter starts off a week after the events on Coruscant, and leads pretty naturally into the beginning of the Last Jedi, so the entire series could reasonably have happened in between them. 
> 
> I loved being able to dive into the Force (especially how it works with relationships) a little more, and it gets a little sappy but I think it's totally worth it. Hope y'all like it.
> 
> Thanks so much for everyone who has commented, Kudosed, or even just read it. Tell your friends. 
> 
> I thought this might be my last work of the summer but with online school happening--maybe not?
> 
> Stay safe, and May the Force be With You!

**CHAPTER 6: ONE WEEK LATER**

**POE**

Finn hadn’t woken up since the explosion.

The medical team had done brain scans, checking for any kind of bruising or trauma. The scans came back clear, apart from a minor concussion.

They’d repaired the wound in his back, which would now leave a permanent scar, thanks to all the times it had been reopened. The wound was healing nicely, without a sign of infection.

There was no medical reason as to why Finn wouldn’t wake up. No diagnosis to explain why he was still unconscious.

“These things can happen,” a medical droid said. “There is documented research, but little explanation—sometimes patients simply don’t wake up, or take an inordinately long time to wake up. His brainwaves are normal, and there’s nothing to indicate that he will wake up with deficits, but...”

“What can we do?” Poe asked, trying to keep his hands from shaking.

The medical droid blinked at him sympathetically. “You can wait. And hope.”

That wasn’t good enough. Poe turned to Leia. “Can’t you do something? Can’t you help him?”

Leia shook her head, “Manipulating the Force into Finn’s mind might fragment it permanently,” she said. “I’ve already told you—using the Force in that way on Finn would be catastrophic.”

Poe bit his lip. “So there’s nothing we can do?”

Leia and the droid did not answer.

Poe looked at Finn. His mouth was slack, his eyes soft. He looked so young when he was asleep. That crinkle between his eyebrows that he wore whenever he was awake, always worried, always concentrating, always _fighting,_ was gone.

Poe rested his hand against Finn’s cheek, now rough with several days’ worth of stubble.

Then he rushed past Leia and the droid, out of the room, faster and faster until he was running through the medical bay, bursting open the enormous double doors. 

He raced as fast as he could across the compound, not stopping for a second, relishing the pounding of his heart and the pain in his chest as his breathing shortened, relishing the pain that distracted him from Finn,, lying helpless on that hospital bed. Unconscious. Dying.

He finally slowed when he got to the hangar, snapping his fingers at BB-8 to follow him. “Paige,” he called to the dark-haired girl, talking quietly with her sister next to an X-Wing. “What have you got for me?”

“The First Order is taking control of the neighboring planets,” she said. “There isn’t much we can do as an entire fleet; we’re wildly outnumbered. There’s already concern that they might be locking onto our location, so the best thing is—”

“Where are they?”

Paige looked into his eyes, and must have seen something there. “Poe.” She said firmly. “I’m not sending you in alone. We’re using hit and run tactics, nothing flashy.”

“I’ll take out their nearest base. Where is it?”

“I won’t—”

“WHERE IS IT?” Poe shouted.

Rose took a step forward. “Hey! That’s my sister you’re shouting at.”

Paige placed a hand on her arm. “It’s okay.” She said calmly. “He doesn’t mean it. And the only reason he’s shouting at me is because I _know_ he doesn’t mean it.” She took a step toward Poe. “Listen, I’m sorry about Finn, but you’re not going to bully me into giving you a suicide mission. You can either lead a squadron to harry the advancing First Order craft, or you can get the Hell out of my sight.”

Poe chewed on his lip. “I need to do _something._ I need to—get out.”

Paige sighed. “They’re heading this way, Poe. There’s no way we’ll be able to hide our location from them anymore. Kylo Ren must have seen it—”

“There has to be one ship that’s undefended. One way to slow them down by more than a few hours.”

Paige shook her head. “It’s too dangerous. I wouldn’t even send in a _team—”_

“Then just send me.”

Paige glanced at her sister. Rose was watching the two of them, arms crossed. “You know she’s gonna tell the general?”

Poe rolled his eyes. “Where?”

Paige typed a few commands into the communicator on her wrist. “Coordinates are on the X-Wing, as are the specs of the ship. It’s the flagship of the first wave of stormtroopers. If you take it out, the ensuing chaos should buy us a day or two.”

“Consider it done.”

“Poe—” Paige grabbed his wrist. “You have to promise me you won’t blow yourself up.”

“I won’t.” Poe turned away.

“ _NO.”_ Paige grabbed his shoulder and turned him around., . “You don’t get to go there. The place you’re going in your head. I’ve lost—we’ve _all_ lost—enough. I won’t lose you, Poe. Not because of this.”

Poe felt her words break some of the ice that had formed around his heart, the barrier that he’d slowly started to build again the moment he’d blasted Ren and Finn, and held onto Finn as the world exploded. He’d thought Finn was dead. He’d thought he’d somehow, in his ignorance and impulsiveness, managed to kill the one person who made him feel human again.

“If I hadn’t gone alone—” Poe began.

“You don’t get to make this about you. People make their _own_ choices. That’s the first thing Leia taught us as commanders.”

Poe brushed her off. “I’ll see you later.”

“Leia has classified the mission as too risky. I never said you could go.”

“Noted.” Poe leapt into his X-Wing. “BB-8.” He called. “Get in here!”

The droid ambled up, letting out a string of beeps and whistles. 

“Everyone’s unhappy with me. Get in line.”

“Poe!” Paige rested a gloved hand on the cockpit. “Why do I get the feeling that you’re in this for the wrong reasons?”

“Get out of my way.”

“I’m sure that Finn will be alright. Leia has—”

“ _MOVE_.”

Paige sighed. “Give me five minutes, and I’ll round up some people. You’ll need some cover.”

“Fine. See you out there.” Poe fired up the engine, and Paige had to leap away as the X-Wing sped out into the night.

Poe felt the familiar rush as the X-Wing accelerated, the surge of adrenaline as he blasted through the atmosphere and into space. And hurtling at that high of a speed, focusing on avoiding death and anticipating the destruction he would unleash on the assembled First Order ships, was the only thing that halted the terror coursing through Poe’s heart.

**FINN**

Finn felt like he was floating. Like he was drifting along an open, black sea.

And then he was facing Kylo Ren, except this time, the lightsaber struck true, and Finn’s entire back split open. He was cleaved in two, screaming…

He was clinging to a woman’s leg, his nails digging into her skin, as someone in white yanked him from her arms…

He was wandering through a desert planet, and the sweat was stinging his eyes, but there was hope in his heart. More hope than he’d ever felt before, so much that it felt like magic, that it terrified him…

He was hugging Rey close, breathing in the scent of sand and sunlight that she always carried with her, feeling some horrible, painful part of himself start to heal. And the black hole that had opened whenever he’d become a Stormtrooper, obliterating all light, started to shrink…

He was rushing toward Poe across an airplane hangar, and lying next to him in the library of the Jedi temple while death waited a heartbeat away…

He was looking out through the bars of a cell at Poe, slumped against the wall, his hair ruffled, reading to him from his own journal. Poe’s eyes went dark, and he said, “I understand if Rey is—if she’s what you want. It makes sense—” he looked down, and Finn’s heart wanted to break.

He tried to say something, to tell him that it wasn’t true. Finn loved Rey, of course. But nothing could compare to the way that he felt every time he saw Poe. Nothing had ever made him feel like Poe did.

Finn loved Rey, but Poe—Poe _consumed_ him.

How could he not know? How had Finn never told him?

Finn shouted the words, but no sound came out…

And then he was on a rocky planet, surrounded by the crashing sea. There was an old man kneeling out in front of the ocean, his face upturned to the sun. The years had not been kind to him. His shoulders were hunched, his posture defeated. “Tell me what to do,” he said. “I have made far too many mistakes, and she is all that is left. How will I ensure that she isn’t hurt? What if I make things worse? I let go of you for a reason.”

There was something shimmering in the mist, a haze that solidified into a young man, with a thick, golden beard that framed his face and shoulder length blonde hair. “You are not the last Jedi.”

Another ghost appeared next to it, this one with shoulder-length hair and a roguish grin. “We can trust that the next generation will not make the same mistakes as us. Perhaps the Jedi are meant to change.”

And with a jolt, Finn recognized that voice. It was the voice that had spoken to him on Coruscant, kept him from attacking and killing Kylo Ren. It was the voice that had implored him to show mercy. _“Do not make the same mistake I did. Strike him down in anger, and he will always be with you. It is not the Jedi way.”_

“Vader?” Finn whispered.

The figure turned to him, and for a moment, his eyes burned gold.

And Finn drifted back into darkness.

**POE**

Leia was waiting for him when he came back a day later, the X-Wings careening into the hangar at far too fast a speed to be considered safe, scattering the rest of assembled pilots. The fight had gotten messy; he’d been forced to break formation and lose the assembled TIE fighters in the canyons of one of the neighboring moons.

And the First Order flagship still remained intact, not even a scratch across its impressive hull.

Poe had nearly smeared himself across a rock formation that had appeared in front of him a little too quickly. He’d managed to pull up just in time, BB-8 hurling abuse at him for cutting it so close.

He wasn’t sure if it was exhaustion or simple complacency.

Maybe it was the X-Wings that had gone up on either side of him, balls of flame, the fearful cries of their pilots cut off in a rush of static.

He was tired of being the one who survived. Tired of the weight, heavier after each mission, as the Resistance fighters dwindled. The deaths on his conscience and the advance of the First Order, inexorable as a tidal wave.

As soon as Poe turned off the engine, he wanted to turn it on again. He could keep all the guilt, the grief and despair, at bay in the rush, the adrenaline high of a firefight.

But when he looked through the windshield, it was to see Leia, standing defiantly in the path of his X-Wing, arms crossed. Poe hopped out of the cockpit and climbed down to the floor, willfully ignoring her disapproving gaze. “General.”

“Commander.”

“Do you have any news?” He didn’t need to specify. She knew what he meant. She’d already learned, after reprimanding him after each mission and getting no response, that Finn’s condition was the only news Poe cared about.

Leia scowled. “Come with me.”

She began to walk toward the main compound, not even bothering to see if Poe was following.

“Not a word.” He said to BB-8 before rushing off, but he could hear BB-8 telling him exactly what it thought of their latest mission, in particular the cause of the latest collection of scorch marks that marred its pristine surface.

Leia stepped through the double doors, nodding imperiously at those who saluted her as she passed.

“How is he?” he asked, terrified of what the answer might be. “He’s not—”

“Get in there.” Leia stopped outside the entrance to the medical bay.

“What?”

“He needs you.” 

“He’s in a coma.”

“And he needs you.”

“That’s ridiculous. He doesn’t need me. I’m not a medical droid. I’m not a Jedi. The Resistance needs me.”

Leia leaned forward and lowered her voice. “We will be evacuating in less than twenty-four hours. Preparations have already begun.” 

“They’re coming?”

‘There’s no way to stop them. The First Order have seized control of the galaxy. The Republic is dead. There is only us.”

“Then let me go back out there!” Poe said. “Let me find a way to slow them down. Maybe a coordinated attack, something to take out their Star Destroyers.”

Leia shook her head. “You’ve been trying for days, Poe, and I’ve only let you because I hoped—” She let out a sigh. “There is too much at stake. I cannot afford to lose the few fighters we have left.”

“I can slow down at least one squadron. Let me—”

Suddenly, Poe was shoved against the wall. “Stop avoiding this. You are afraid.”

Poe raised an eyebrow in his best estimation of his usual bravado. “I’m your best pilot. I’m not afraid of anything.”

Leia did not relinquish her force grip on him. She jabbed a finger into his chest. “You’re afraid of going in that room with Finn. The minute you saw him, you sprinted out of here to go on these missions, missions that any of my other pilots could have done. Missions where you have acted with a recklessness bordering on suicidal.”

“Finn would want—’

“Finn wants to know that there’s someone waiting for him when he wakes up.” Leia said.

“Let me go!”

“You need to stop acting like you’re the only person who’s ever been hurt.” Leia’s eyes were hard. “You think I haven’t lost? You think I haven’t been in pain? My home planet was destroyed by my _father_ in front of my eyes. I watched my son betray my brother and murder my husband. There is _no one_ left but me.”

“I—” Poe didn’t know what to say. Leia was the indomitable leader of the Resistance. No matter what, her faith never wavered.

He’d never really stopped to consider whether or not she felt pain. He’d never wondered how it must have felt to be the only one from all of those heroes, who hadn’t given up or walked away, who was still fighting.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

“I have hope.” Leia said. “I have faith that my brother will open himself back up to the Force. That Finn and Rey will avoid the mistakes of the past. That The First Order, and whoever is behind it, will be defeated once and for all.”

“I have hope too, Leia. That’s why I need to go! It’s the only good I can do!”

“Get it through your head, Poe. The Resistance isn’t about blowing up the enemy! It’s not about winning battles, or getting the best weapons. If it was about that, we’d have stolen Starkiller Base, not destroyed it!”

“You named me Commander.”

“And you named Finn. You threw yourself in front of _Kylo Ren’s_ lightsaber for him! He did the same for you. Don’t you think that means something? Don’t you think that what is between the two of you might be just as important as what’s out there?”

“You don’t understand.” Poe ran a hand through his hair, thinking of all the names, all the burnt out faces and the voices that were cut off by static and explosions. “I can’t lose—someone again. So I try not to care about anyone, anyone that I’m not willing to lose. I can’t survive losing someone like that anymore. It’s better this way. It’s easier.”

Leia’s voice softened. “Hardening your heart is a path to the Dark Side. And I know you don’t believe in that, but it’s true. You will not win this war by becoming like your enemy, or closing yourself off and living only for destruction and revenge. You live that way, and we’ve lost.”

“I— _can’t._ It’s too much.” Poe grabbed his chest, willing her to understand. “I understand what you’re saying, but I’ve lost too much! It’s happened too many times, ever since I was a kid! I _can’t do it anymore, Leia._ I won’t survive it.”

But Leia didn’t waver. “You will survive it. You must.” She took him by the hand and pulled him through the double doors. Her grip was one of iron, but Poe knew that she would have let him twist away if he wanted to.

He could run back into the hangar and start making plans for the next assault, and the walls within his heart would remain solid. Finn would wake up without him, or die. But either way, those walls would not be breached. They’d remain steel and unyielding and safe.

But they were already crumbling. Had been since the first day he had seen Finn. They’d been chipped away, bit by bit, as Finn had looked at him through the bars.

The feel of Finn’s hand on his cheek.

The wry grin Finn had shot him in the heat of battle, when Poe had sworn to always come for him.

Those walls were tenuous, paper-thin. They only needed a little push, one last surge to break apart.

And when Poe finally walked into Finn’s hospital bed and sat beside him, taking Finn’s warm hand in both of his, he knew he’d made his choice. It was only a matter of time, and the words that needed to be spoken between the two of them

Whether Finn loved him or Rey, whether or not he ever woke up, whether or not Finn decided to renounce all close relationships, as befitted a traditional Jedi…

All Poe’s armor had been stripped away.

The walls were coming down. 

**FINN**

Finn woke up to the slow, steady beeping of hospital monitors and the drip of fluid in his IV. He felt as though he’d been hit with a ton of bricks; his arms were lead, and his head ached.

With what felt like an enormous amount of effort, he managed to lift his head slightly and open his eyes. Dimly, he saw a figure in Resistance fatigues laying beside his bed, dark curls resting on a pillow that lay atop Finn’s legs. Finn tried to speak, and the figure twitched, the eyes moving restlessly beneath the lids.

But it was too much, and he fell back into a cloud, soft and yielding, that pulled him under.

Finn was hurtling through space again…

He was on a dark, dim planet. The sky was a bluish gray, and as he moved closer, he saw that the mountains that he’d thought had been natural formations were actually all in the form of a single, repeating figure.

A long, flowing black robe with a hood that shadowed most of the wasted, wizened face.

_“I’ve been waiting for you,”_ the voice said.

It was the other voice that had spoken to him on Coruscant, the one that had implored him to strike down Kylo Ren. This voice held the same malevolence, and the sight of the hooded figure, the darkened planet, and Leia’s own sense that the Dark Side was reemerging all converged in a stunning moment of clarity.

_“Palpatine?”_

A burst of high, cold, cackling laugher.

“Finn?” someone was squeezing his hand, the voice soft and gentle. No one had ever spoken to him like that.

His vision had gone blurry. He blinked rapidly, swiping at his face.

Poe’s visage swam into focus above him

“Hey, buddy. How are you feeling?”

Finn tried to speak, but only a croak came out.

“You must be thirsty—here.” Poe handed him a glass of water, and he gulped it down eagerly.

“Leia—” he rasped. “I need to speak to Leia.” He made a move to get out of bed, but his weakened muscles wouldn’t hold him up. He collapsed, and would have banged his head against the headboard if not for Poe’s hand, cradling it before impact.

“Easy. You’ve been unconscious for nearly a week. Your muscles are tight, you’re weak—you can’t move.”

“Then—help me—” Finn grasped at Poe’s sleeve, and Poe gripped his arm tightly, as though never wanting to let him go. “Poe. Please.”

Poe nodded. “I’ll bring her here. Give me a minute.”

This wasn’t what Finn had wanted. He’d wanted to go to her himself, to go with Poe. He didn’t ever want to be more than a few feet away from Poe Dameron for the rest of his life.

It had started so naturally that he hadn’t really noticed it, but now that he had, he couldn’t imagine anything else.

Suddenly, a scene from his dreams flashed before his eyes. Poe’s voice, regretful and sad, but trying desperately to stay firm. Telling him that he could choose Rey, and he would understand.

_Poe read to me for days,_ Finn thought _. He woke me up._

Before he could elaborate on that thought, Leia rushed through the door. She closed it shut behind her with the Force and sat in the seat Poe had just vacated, taking Finn’s hand. “You’ve come back to us this time.”

“I know who it is. The Dark Side, rising in the galaxy.” Finn said. “It’s him—” his mind flashed back to that cold, dark place. The gale-force winds. The mocking, twisted laugher. He knew he might be playing into another of Palpatine’s devious plans, but he had to tell Leia the truth. “It’s been him all along. Palpatine.”

For a half-second, Leia’s face went completely white. She barely seemed to breathe.

Then she blinked, and her dark eyes glistened. “We’ll have to defeat him again.” She said simply.

“That’s not all.” Finn gulped, willing himself to have the courage to go on. “I don’t—know if I can be a Jedi. When I was fighting Kylo Ren, I—I _heard him._ There’s this _darkness_ inside me, Leia. It’s powerful. I don’t know if I—"

Leia squeezed his hand more firmly. “Every Jedi struggles with the Light and Dark, Finn. You chose not to kill Kylo Ren, even though most in your position would have struck him down without hesitating.”

The familiarity of the language startled Finn. “Were you—talking to someone?”

Leia let out a secretive grin. “You are not the first living Jedi to get messages from those whose bodies have been reclaimed by the Force.”

“But what I felt—” Finn let out a breath. “I was so angry. I wanted to do it. I— _still_ want to do it. Wouldn’t it solve everything?”

Leia’s mouth set. “There is not always one concrete decision that pushes a Jedi definitively to the Light or the Dark, one moment where you embrace a single aspect of the Force. It will be a fight, Finn. A fight every single day not to let hatred blind you and lead you astray.”

Finn was silent for a moment.

“You need to rest. We will continue your training when you are healed.” Leia made to leave, but Finn gripped her hand. “Wait.”

“What is it?”

Finn tried to speak, but no words came out. What he had to ask—what if Leia denied him? What if she told him to let go of Poe, to send him away?

“You speak of hatred.” Finn began, his voice shaking. “And I know it’s part of the Jedi code to let go of anger and hate, to let attachments fade away. But—what about love?”

Leia’s eyes sparkled, and a grin broke out across her face. “I was hoping you’d ask that question.”

**POE**

Poe was pacing the hangar, BB-8 whistling after him, when Leia found him. He stepped forward, “Is he—”

“He wants to see you.” Leia said. Something about her expression was off-putting, as though she harbored a secret, and Poe had a feeling he knew why. Leia must have known how Poe felt about Finn.

_Guess I’m about to get dumped,_ Poe thought. _Although, technically, we weren’t even dating. We haven’t even kissed._

_I’m never going to know what kissing him feels like. What will I have to hold onto?_

The whole walk to the medical bay, Poe kept playing over his last few days with Finn in his mind. The fight against Kylo Ren, when he’d launched himself in front of lightsaber, swearing to always come for Finn, no matter what. The feel of Finn’s hand against his cheek in that brief moment of clarity, somehow breaking through the fog of the First Order conditioning.

Poe’s walls were already broken, already falling down.

But he knew he had to be strong, to pretend they were there, even if they weren’t. He wouldn’t be the reason Finn couldn’t be a Jedi, or the barrier to Finn’s happiness. He wouldn’t be the person that stood in the way of it.

He cared for Finn too much.

_I’m going to bow out,_ Poe thought. _I’m going to lie and say, “I never felt a thing for you. I want us to just be friends. I don’t love you. I don’t love you. I don’t love you.”_

Poe could feel his heart breaking, but he kept the tears in. The thought of Finn rejecting him made him want to collapse. To sprint away from the medical bay and never return.

He had broken down his walls, and there was nothing to defend him. Only the sheer layer of pretending—an illusion that the slightest bit of movement, the slightest breath, could betray.

Poe set his shoulders and tapped in the code, and the door to Finn’s room slid open.

He let it shut carefully behind him, then sat in the chair furthest from the bed, refusing to look at Finn.

“Leia said that you wanted to see me,” he said.

“Yes. I wanted to talk to you about—our last mission.”

. “I think I already know what you’re going to say.”

“Leia and I had a discussion about what it means to be a Jedi.” Poe could hear the emotion in Finn’s voice, but he refused to look up. It was harder than he’d expected to keep all his feelings in, to lock them down when they’d already been out in the open.

“So it’s not just lifting rocks?” Poe asked, trying to desperately regain his bravado, his roguish humor, to show Finn that he understood, that he would be alright, that he certainly wasn’t worth the galaxy. He wasn’t worth a thing.

Finn didn’t laugh. “We talked about attachments. Compassion, and love. What those emotions mean for a Jedi,”

Poe started to get to his feet. He flicked his eyes once to Finn, then away. It was enough to see that he was looking healthier. Enough to see the sympathy in his eyes. “It’s okay,” Poe said. “I wasn’t—and neither of us ever really said—the heat of battle can do things to people.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The battle. The things we said to each other. I—I know Jedi can’t love, and even if they did, you would want Rey. It’s okay. I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I don’t really—” but Poe couldn’t finish the sentence. It was too much a lie, and there was a force squeezing his chest, refusing to let him utter another word.

“Poe.”

Poe was struggling to regain his composure, to find a way to breathe against all the pain that was rushing around inside him, the certainty that this would be the last time he’d really see Finn. _I have to bow out,_ Poe said to himself. _I have to tell him it’s okay. It’s the right thing to do._

_But I can’t._

“I have to go.” Poe turned to the door. “I hope you’re feeling better.”

“Poe. Look at me.” The last sentence held a command in it, the firmness that Poe only heard in Finn’s voice on the battlefield, when he was confident and strong and fearless. He turned to look at Finn.

And he nearly broke down at seeing him full blast, his face and his body, the soul that was contained within it, the person he loved as he had never loved anyone else, who would be lost to him, gone.

There were tears in Finn’s beautiful brown eyes.

“Please.” Poe whispered. “I have to go.”

But a piece of paper floated up off the ground, covered in Finn’s slanted, precise handwriting. “Can you read to me?”

Poe tried not to glance at it, to try to decipher the words written there. “That was just to break down the First Order’s brainwashing.” He choked out, trying to will the quaver out of his voice. “I’m not interested in your diary.”

“Read it, Poe. Just this once. Read to me. And I swear I’ll never ask you for anything ever again.” Finn’s jaw clenched, and the paper shook a little. “Please.”

Poe sat back down, and the paper floated into his hands. He grasped it.

“ **After Coruscant** ,” Poe began.

**JULY. RESISTANCE BASE.**

_After Coruscant, I had a lot of strange dreams. The Force was trying to show me the future, to help me make sense of my past. I saw Rey and Luke Skywalker. I saw Kylo Ren and Emperor Palpatine. There is so much darkness coming, but the light is rising to meet it._

_But there was something else I realized in my dreams. Something that has nothing to do with Sith Lords and Jedi Knights, but might be just as important as all of them._

_I love Poe Dameron. I didn’t realize it until I was speaking with Leia, thinking about what it means to be a Jedi. To renounce all attachments. I knew that I couldn’t let him go._

_But Leia, Luke, the Force—it helped me realize that you don’t need to stop loving to be a Jedi. The Jedi are called to love, but to do so unselfishly. To leave all of our fears at the door, and to walk in with arms and eyes wide._

_There can be nothing corruptible about that kind of love._

_It is why Leia loves Han and Ben still. Becoming a Jedi hasn’t corrupted her love, it has made it stronger._

_And I think that’s the way I feel about Poe. It’s early, and I barely know him, but I can see our future stretching out in front of us._

_And I don’t know what I’m going to do if he walks away. Sometimes I think he wants to—he was so eager to assume I loved Rey, to put up walls and obstacles even though it was him who woke me up, him who took a fucking lightsaber for me._

_Poe saved me. He saves me every day._

_And I love him so much._

_I just hope that he loves me too._

**POE**

_“---hope that he loves me too.”_ Poe finished. He couldn’t speak, could barely see through the tears blurring his eyes. He turned to look at Finn. “You love me?” he choked out.

“I love you.” Finn said firmly, clearly. His gaze never left Poe’s.

And in an instant, Poe was on the bed. He kissed Finn on his cheeks, his forehead, and finally his lips, his hands clutching at Finn, pulling his body close, tears in his eyes.

And Finn was laughing, laughing even as Poe was crying, his tears warm and salty, saying the same words over and over, _“I love you. I love you. I love you.”_

And the feeling in Poe’s chest would have been one that had made him turn away before.

And the walls that had disappeared into ash should have sent him running.

He should have been so afraid.

And he was—part of him was terrified. Part of him was so afraid of how open he felt, how all of him was laid raw, his guts bare for anyone to see, anyone to take.

But he couldn’t find it in himself to put up a single wall, or hold himself back.

For here was Finn, with his wide-open heart and his strong arms around him.

And Poe didn’t care about the Dark Side, or Kylo Ren, or Palpatine.

He knew that with Finn by his side, none of them stood a chance.


End file.
